I'm counting! I don't know how many days i'm counting, but I know, soon we will get our lives back!
I can't wait! These past few months have been terribly stressful. Literally...DD? What's that? Obviously something that we have been unable to continue d/t the constant presence of 'the houseguest'.
Spanking all together for any reason has been completely nixed for months d/t lack of privacy. Talk about adding to the stress. In an instant DD went on hold, I reclaimed my 'Queen Bitch' thrown, even stress relief & erotic spanking came to an abrupt HALT! :-(
I have faith though! This is the final countdown! We will get our lives & privacy back! Hopefully sooner than later!
I can't wait until i actually have something to Blog about. It's really tough to even continue reading other blogs when u, yourself are not participating in the scene. It just makes u miss it more!
Jayden :-)
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Stressed,Depressed & In need of a SPANKING!
I really wish that I could say this particular blog post was about spanking. I wish that I would be writing this blog with a throbbing between my legs & a sore bottom while reliving in my mind the intimacy of a recent erotic spanking. Or experiencing the light hearted, emotionally fulfilled feeling of a stress release spanking. Right now, I would be happy being able to blog about any kind of spanking. Unfortunately, I can't. I have to write this post for myself. Because I don't feel that the things I need to talk about will be well received by Jase, & I understand why, I just have to get what I'm feeling out somehow, I need the relief of feeling that I've been heard & understood. Even if I am the only person that ever reads this blog entry, I have to feel that I have put all of my feelings out there so that I'm not holding everything in. This is the only way I know to do that...
I'm having a really rough time lately. The short version (& it's still really long),is that my relationship w/ my m-i-l has always been strained & over the last approximately 6 years, there was no contact between her & our family. Within the past year, we have worked to mend the broken relationship. I wanted Jase to have a relationship with his mother & I wanted our kids to have a grandmother (my mom has passed). I wasn't expecting any sort of relationship mending between the 2 of us. She painted me out to be a monster a long time ago & even God himself couldn't have changed her mind. It seemed she enjoyed engaging in gossip about me with her other daughter-in-law (my sister-in-law, the narcissistic, sociopath that thrives on creating turmoil). The 2 of them together have been a source of turmoil in my life for nearly 10 years. It didn't matter how far fetched something was, if it included me being the bad guy, my mother-in-law indulged in the BS. Clearly, I gave up on ever having that relationship a long time ago. No worries, I was ok with standing back & allowing Jase & the kids to have a relationship w/ her that did not include me. She soon found out just how evil my sister-in-law really is & now realizes that I was the one that was telling the truth all these years, that she had misjudged me & how wrong she's been. We've worked to successfully build a new relationship. I've tried to just let the past go & be glad that the truth has finally come out.
Jase has always been the proverbial black sheep in his family. His perfectly spineless brother was always the favored one. Yet Jase (& myself @ times) have always been the "go to people" (minus the years we didn't speak). It was Jase that she always called on for help. Even though I always knew how much she disliked me, we would always be right there, ready, willing & able. (Jase & I enjoy helping people & we try to help anyone we can, especially family without expecting anything in return.)
That being said, she has a lot of major stuff going on that we have been working to help her with. Including allowing her to stay with us. Unfortunately, our sacrifices have been great & have impacted our entire family. I, Myself have suffered irreparable emotional 'damage' from something that happened to me in the process of helping her.
So, begins my dilemma...
This event that I speak of **does NOT involve physical or sexual harm or assault NOR does it involve cheating of any kind**it does however affect me daily & it has caused a reemergence of suppressed emotions, years of anger & frustration over our past relationship. I often think "Why am I going thru this for HER?" etc...Then I feel guilty when she expresses how much she appreciates my understanding & forgiveness & my setting aside the past to help her now.
I don't feel like I'm understanding or forgiving. I've just been trying to do what I felt was best for my husband & our children.
She's been away for a few weeks, which is a good thing, I/we needed the break. (I was totally hoping to be able to get a lot of spanking in while she was gone. Oh, well).
Like I said earlier, some things have had a very deep, negative impact on me.
The way that I deal with emotional distress is to throw myself into work.
I am strong, confident, knowledgeable & I'm a damn good Nurse! I work great under pressure (That's why I LOVE Trauma surgery!) in the most high pressure situation, I look @ it as a personal challenge & I win! The more intense the situation & the more people I'm leading, the more cool, calm & collected I am. @ work, I am in charge, I make the decisions & I make things happen.
It's a good feeling, being confident in your decision making & being sure of yourself... I wish I were that self confident & secure all the time, in all aspects of my life, especially right now!
I've worked every day now for about 3 straight weeks. For the most part, Successfully avoiding having to deal with the negative impact of my emotional trauma.
Unfortunately, she will be coming back in about 2 weeks & she will be coming back to stay with us again. I'm not looking forward to this. In fact, I don't want it @ all. I'm obviously still emotionally damaged, angry, confused & now I'm absolutely exhausted.
I feel terrible, & I try to hold my feelings in. I don't feel like I can emotionally handle being in the same household with a constant reminder of what has hurt me so deeply & literally scarred me for life.
How can I live with the person that, (though not intentional) caused this to happen? I don't think I can & I don't think It's fair that I should have to...
Discussing this with Jase is a terribly difficult task. I've tried desperately to hide my feelings & emotions, but then I'm left with festering, bottled up anger.
I don't want to fight with him.
I feel like he tries, but doesn't truly understand my feelings. I mean, how could he? After all, while he was definitely affected by what happened, he did not actually live it as I did. Nightmares, broken sleep & depression are not a part of his daily routine as they are now a part of mine. I feel that I literally lost a part of myself & I can't get that back. I can't change what happened & I can't forget, no matter how I try, this memory, the fear, anxiety, etc. are now a permanent part of my life!
I just feel like I can't convey these things to him in the appropriate way. I feel like every time I try, I only succeed @ making him angry. Now, this may just be my insecurity, but that is how I feel. I don't feel that we actually converse about the situation. More like I talk & he waits for me to shut up.
It feels like there is a distance between us that hasn't been there since we decided on a Dd/Ds relationship & I hate feeling distant from him.
I don't know, Maybe this is my fault? I know it's not his.
Obviously, we don't agree on this issue @ hand & it's a very tough situation. I just don't know if this time I can go along with him, being the HoH having the final say.
I don't feel that I can emotionally handle having her there as a daily reminder of what I'm already struggling to deal with.
Although, asking Jase to protect me & do what I feel is best for me is essentially asking him to leave his mother homeless. Which, I feel terrible for, I don't want that, I don't want to ask him to choose between his wife & his mother. But @ the same time, I don't feel it's fair to ask me to sacrifice more than I already have. I've given up so much of myself already & I just don't think I can do it.
For this I feel selfish. It also breaks my heart, because I don't think the outcome would be in my best interest, I really don't think he understands the serious impact this event has had on me, thus Leaving me to feel even more alone.
With this distance that I feel I also feel a loss of safety & security. Which brings me to my final problem...
I am clearly in what I perceive as "self preservation" mode. Which means that I am locked up tighter than Fort Knox & I've built a wall around myself. Whether it's true or not, I feel like I'm dealing with my emotional trauma alone. All of this is making it very difficult for me to be submissive. With submissiveness comes a certain degree of vulnerability & I don't know that I can handle being any more vulnerable than I already am @ the moment. I miss him, I miss him terribly. I miss our closeness, I miss the safe & secure feeling of being in his arms, I miss talking to him & feeling understood, I miss the certainty that he would do anything to protect me. I miss holding onto him & taking in the smell of his cologne, I miss falling asleep with my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart beat, I miss making love to him & I miss spanking... The erotic spanking, the maintenance, the stress release...I miss the closeness that only partners in the spanking world know. We have argued some, not too much & we are not physically separated (though it sounds like it) I just feel very emotionally separated.
I know I could really benefit from a spanking right now, but I just don't know if I can relinquish myself right now. I just don't feel that I can give total control of myself over when I feel (again, maybe just my perception) that right now I am the only one looking out for me, the only one who truly understands what I'm going thru & how much I've been affected.
I sure hope that all of these emotions go away soon. I really can't stand this, I want my life back. I want our life back!
@ least (for now) I feel a little better getting it all off my chest.
Jayden
I'm having a really rough time lately. The short version (& it's still really long),is that my relationship w/ my m-i-l has always been strained & over the last approximately 6 years, there was no contact between her & our family. Within the past year, we have worked to mend the broken relationship. I wanted Jase to have a relationship with his mother & I wanted our kids to have a grandmother (my mom has passed). I wasn't expecting any sort of relationship mending between the 2 of us. She painted me out to be a monster a long time ago & even God himself couldn't have changed her mind. It seemed she enjoyed engaging in gossip about me with her other daughter-in-law (my sister-in-law, the narcissistic, sociopath that thrives on creating turmoil). The 2 of them together have been a source of turmoil in my life for nearly 10 years. It didn't matter how far fetched something was, if it included me being the bad guy, my mother-in-law indulged in the BS. Clearly, I gave up on ever having that relationship a long time ago. No worries, I was ok with standing back & allowing Jase & the kids to have a relationship w/ her that did not include me. She soon found out just how evil my sister-in-law really is & now realizes that I was the one that was telling the truth all these years, that she had misjudged me & how wrong she's been. We've worked to successfully build a new relationship. I've tried to just let the past go & be glad that the truth has finally come out.
Jase has always been the proverbial black sheep in his family. His perfectly spineless brother was always the favored one. Yet Jase (& myself @ times) have always been the "go to people" (minus the years we didn't speak). It was Jase that she always called on for help. Even though I always knew how much she disliked me, we would always be right there, ready, willing & able. (Jase & I enjoy helping people & we try to help anyone we can, especially family without expecting anything in return.)
That being said, she has a lot of major stuff going on that we have been working to help her with. Including allowing her to stay with us. Unfortunately, our sacrifices have been great & have impacted our entire family. I, Myself have suffered irreparable emotional 'damage' from something that happened to me in the process of helping her.
So, begins my dilemma...
This event that I speak of **does NOT involve physical or sexual harm or assault NOR does it involve cheating of any kind**it does however affect me daily & it has caused a reemergence of suppressed emotions, years of anger & frustration over our past relationship. I often think "Why am I going thru this for HER?" etc...Then I feel guilty when she expresses how much she appreciates my understanding & forgiveness & my setting aside the past to help her now.
I don't feel like I'm understanding or forgiving. I've just been trying to do what I felt was best for my husband & our children.
She's been away for a few weeks, which is a good thing, I/we needed the break. (I was totally hoping to be able to get a lot of spanking in while she was gone. Oh, well).
Like I said earlier, some things have had a very deep, negative impact on me.
The way that I deal with emotional distress is to throw myself into work.
I am strong, confident, knowledgeable & I'm a damn good Nurse! I work great under pressure (That's why I LOVE Trauma surgery!) in the most high pressure situation, I look @ it as a personal challenge & I win! The more intense the situation & the more people I'm leading, the more cool, calm & collected I am. @ work, I am in charge, I make the decisions & I make things happen.
It's a good feeling, being confident in your decision making & being sure of yourself... I wish I were that self confident & secure all the time, in all aspects of my life, especially right now!
I've worked every day now for about 3 straight weeks. For the most part, Successfully avoiding having to deal with the negative impact of my emotional trauma.
Unfortunately, she will be coming back in about 2 weeks & she will be coming back to stay with us again. I'm not looking forward to this. In fact, I don't want it @ all. I'm obviously still emotionally damaged, angry, confused & now I'm absolutely exhausted.
I feel terrible, & I try to hold my feelings in. I don't feel like I can emotionally handle being in the same household with a constant reminder of what has hurt me so deeply & literally scarred me for life.
How can I live with the person that, (though not intentional) caused this to happen? I don't think I can & I don't think It's fair that I should have to...
Discussing this with Jase is a terribly difficult task. I've tried desperately to hide my feelings & emotions, but then I'm left with festering, bottled up anger.
I don't want to fight with him.
I feel like he tries, but doesn't truly understand my feelings. I mean, how could he? After all, while he was definitely affected by what happened, he did not actually live it as I did. Nightmares, broken sleep & depression are not a part of his daily routine as they are now a part of mine. I feel that I literally lost a part of myself & I can't get that back. I can't change what happened & I can't forget, no matter how I try, this memory, the fear, anxiety, etc. are now a permanent part of my life!
I just feel like I can't convey these things to him in the appropriate way. I feel like every time I try, I only succeed @ making him angry. Now, this may just be my insecurity, but that is how I feel. I don't feel that we actually converse about the situation. More like I talk & he waits for me to shut up.
It feels like there is a distance between us that hasn't been there since we decided on a Dd/Ds relationship & I hate feeling distant from him.
I don't know, Maybe this is my fault? I know it's not his.
Obviously, we don't agree on this issue @ hand & it's a very tough situation. I just don't know if this time I can go along with him, being the HoH having the final say.
I don't feel that I can emotionally handle having her there as a daily reminder of what I'm already struggling to deal with.
Although, asking Jase to protect me & do what I feel is best for me is essentially asking him to leave his mother homeless. Which, I feel terrible for, I don't want that, I don't want to ask him to choose between his wife & his mother. But @ the same time, I don't feel it's fair to ask me to sacrifice more than I already have. I've given up so much of myself already & I just don't think I can do it.
For this I feel selfish. It also breaks my heart, because I don't think the outcome would be in my best interest, I really don't think he understands the serious impact this event has had on me, thus Leaving me to feel even more alone.
With this distance that I feel I also feel a loss of safety & security. Which brings me to my final problem...
I am clearly in what I perceive as "self preservation" mode. Which means that I am locked up tighter than Fort Knox & I've built a wall around myself. Whether it's true or not, I feel like I'm dealing with my emotional trauma alone. All of this is making it very difficult for me to be submissive. With submissiveness comes a certain degree of vulnerability & I don't know that I can handle being any more vulnerable than I already am @ the moment. I miss him, I miss him terribly. I miss our closeness, I miss the safe & secure feeling of being in his arms, I miss talking to him & feeling understood, I miss the certainty that he would do anything to protect me. I miss holding onto him & taking in the smell of his cologne, I miss falling asleep with my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart beat, I miss making love to him & I miss spanking... The erotic spanking, the maintenance, the stress release...I miss the closeness that only partners in the spanking world know. We have argued some, not too much & we are not physically separated (though it sounds like it) I just feel very emotionally separated.
I know I could really benefit from a spanking right now, but I just don't know if I can relinquish myself right now. I just don't feel that I can give total control of myself over when I feel (again, maybe just my perception) that right now I am the only one looking out for me, the only one who truly understands what I'm going thru & how much I've been affected.
I sure hope that all of these emotions go away soon. I really can't stand this, I want my life back. I want our life back!
@ least (for now) I feel a little better getting it all off my chest.
Jayden
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Note to Self...Shut Thy Mouth!
Well, I've always known that I had a big mouth.
U know that little filter that most people have between their brains & their mouths? That little thing that keeps people from saying things as soon as the thought hits the brain?
Well, I don't have one!
Tends to b problematic @ times.
Obviously, speaking on impulse means I don't think about how things are going to sound once the thought is converted to words & emitted from my mouth.
I know what I mean when I say something, but since I frequently say EXACTLY what I'm thinking, w/out thinking about how it will sound once it's out there...things can get terribly misconstrued.
I frequently find myself explaining & clarifying what I meant -vs- what I said.
Clearly, my mouth is one of the biggest reasons that I need DD in my life & marriage.
What is the most recent learning experience?
During a spanking, it would be best to answer questions with 'Yes/No' answers.
Obviously this is NOT the time to blurt out something that your Top/HoH perceives as a 'challenge'. This is especially true when the response is centered around pain tolerance & limits.
Jase was more than prepared last night to 'conquer' the perceived challenge (which, I would like to add, was not a challenge @ all, it just came out wrong).
It seemed that the more I talked, the deeper the hole I dug for myself.
I must admit, the expression on his face made me a little, ok, a lot nervous.
When I get nervous, I laugh! Can I just say that if there was ever a BAD time to laugh, this was it!
I kept on talking (dummy!) "wait, baby please, wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant..."
Each explanation seemed to make matters slightly worse...
There it was that feeling of impending doom, the "there's really nothing I can say to right this mess" feeling in the pit of my stomach...
Then, saved by the possibility of a child attempting to enter the bedroom.
However, that was last night & this is tonight.
I will be in route home in less than an hour. The kids will be asleep... Leaving Just the 2 of us & the implements...
He says he understands that It was a misunderstanding. That he just took what I said the wrong way.
I, however feel that his original perception of my statement will forever (if not forever, @ least for 2-night) linger in the back of his mind & I'm already pretty sore from last night!
From this point forward, during a spanking, I will definitely be cautiously aware of what I say before I say it!
Jayden
U know that little filter that most people have between their brains & their mouths? That little thing that keeps people from saying things as soon as the thought hits the brain?
Well, I don't have one!
Tends to b problematic @ times.
Obviously, speaking on impulse means I don't think about how things are going to sound once the thought is converted to words & emitted from my mouth.
I know what I mean when I say something, but since I frequently say EXACTLY what I'm thinking, w/out thinking about how it will sound once it's out there...things can get terribly misconstrued.
I frequently find myself explaining & clarifying what I meant -vs- what I said.
Clearly, my mouth is one of the biggest reasons that I need DD in my life & marriage.
What is the most recent learning experience?
During a spanking, it would be best to answer questions with 'Yes/No' answers.
Obviously this is NOT the time to blurt out something that your Top/HoH perceives as a 'challenge'. This is especially true when the response is centered around pain tolerance & limits.
Jase was more than prepared last night to 'conquer' the perceived challenge (which, I would like to add, was not a challenge @ all, it just came out wrong).
It seemed that the more I talked, the deeper the hole I dug for myself.
I must admit, the expression on his face made me a little, ok, a lot nervous.
When I get nervous, I laugh! Can I just say that if there was ever a BAD time to laugh, this was it!
I kept on talking (dummy!) "wait, baby please, wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant..."
Each explanation seemed to make matters slightly worse...
There it was that feeling of impending doom, the "there's really nothing I can say to right this mess" feeling in the pit of my stomach...
Then, saved by the possibility of a child attempting to enter the bedroom.
However, that was last night & this is tonight.
I will be in route home in less than an hour. The kids will be asleep... Leaving Just the 2 of us & the implements...
He says he understands that It was a misunderstanding. That he just took what I said the wrong way.
I, however feel that his original perception of my statement will forever (if not forever, @ least for 2-night) linger in the back of his mind & I'm already pretty sore from last night!
From this point forward, during a spanking, I will definitely be cautiously aware of what I say before I say it!
Jayden
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Stress Release Spanking # 2
I got in from work Saturday morning & started working in the house. Jase was awake as well & it wasn't long before we realized that the entire house was still sleeping...hmmm...the decision was easy. We would finish where we left off Thursday night.
Out came the implements & Over I went. A nice warm up, again with his hand, a wooden spoon & that plastic, slatted spatula.
Then again, harder strokes with his hand, the cane, the paddle, & the 5-strand.
"How are you doing" he leaned over & asked me. "Well, I'm not crying yet."
I have so much stress that has got to be penetrated & while I can feel each spanking provide more relief, I crave the spanking that pushes me beyond my limit & I reach that full catharsis!
My response to his question was met with multiple paddle strokes one after the other, covering my entire bottom & harder than I'd ever felt! I whimpered & squirmed but tried desperately not to break position. Part of me wanted to stop, but the other part of me knew that This was exactly what I needed & wanted... more of it & HARD!
I look so forward to the day when I'm pushed beyond that point! I'm sure it will be like a most amazing moment for both of us. In the mean time, we are actively chipping through the layers & layers of stress that we must get through to get to the ultimate goal! I'm certainly enjoying the spankings that are getting us there! & I feel certain Jase is finding it just as enjoyable & stress relieving!
I love my husband, my BFF, My Best & only Top Forever!
Jayden
Stress Release Spanking
I'm so thankful that Jase & I agreed to practice DD & spanking.
This whole thing came about because our marriage seemed to be teetering on the brink of destruction.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) we have very little time for discipline. But we are learning to make time for as much spanking as we can! :-)
The bond we have has always strengthened during difficult times. This time, our relationship was growing stronger & stronger with DD/TTWD/our spanking kink, etc.
Now, when @ the moment it seems like it's us against the world, our love, trust & relationship continues to grow stronger & stronger.
The thought of ever being without him is unthinkable.
The children are happy because we are happy.
Through everything we are still maturing in our roles (Top/Bottom), etc.
Thursday, we finally got the chance to play. Strictly stress relief. It was such a nice relief. (only spankos can understand how a painful spanking can be a nice relief!)
He started with warm up with his hand, a wooden spoon & also peppered me with a plastic slatted spatula(that spatula is very good for warm up!) He used the paddle, cane & belt. I tried to count but I just couldn't. Seemed we both would've liked to have continued for longer but the stress release provided in that session, had us both finally ready for a good, sound nights sleep.
I could feel the heat radiating from my bottom. We snuggled & spooned, I loved going to sleep with his body molded into my warm, sore bottom.
We were so @ peace & both of us slept so soundly! It was wonderful!
For the 1st time since all this added stress began, I woke up happy, not depressed!
WoW! What a spanking can do!!!
BTW... I would like to add that after a little experience in the spanking world, I would have to agree with Sarah Thorne...WOOD IS EVIL!
I have learned that Jase's Firm hand & a thick Leather Belt are my 'favorites'!
I'm so thankful for my loving husband who also happens to b an AWESOME top!
Jayden
This whole thing came about because our marriage seemed to be teetering on the brink of destruction.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) we have very little time for discipline. But we are learning to make time for as much spanking as we can! :-)
The bond we have has always strengthened during difficult times. This time, our relationship was growing stronger & stronger with DD/TTWD/our spanking kink, etc.
Now, when @ the moment it seems like it's us against the world, our love, trust & relationship continues to grow stronger & stronger.
The thought of ever being without him is unthinkable.
The children are happy because we are happy.
Through everything we are still maturing in our roles (Top/Bottom), etc.
Thursday, we finally got the chance to play. Strictly stress relief. It was such a nice relief. (only spankos can understand how a painful spanking can be a nice relief!)
He started with warm up with his hand, a wooden spoon & also peppered me with a plastic slatted spatula(that spatula is very good for warm up!) He used the paddle, cane & belt. I tried to count but I just couldn't. Seemed we both would've liked to have continued for longer but the stress release provided in that session, had us both finally ready for a good, sound nights sleep.
I could feel the heat radiating from my bottom. We snuggled & spooned, I loved going to sleep with his body molded into my warm, sore bottom.
We were so @ peace & both of us slept so soundly! It was wonderful!
For the 1st time since all this added stress began, I woke up happy, not depressed!
WoW! What a spanking can do!!!
BTW... I would like to add that after a little experience in the spanking world, I would have to agree with Sarah Thorne...WOOD IS EVIL!
I have learned that Jase's Firm hand & a thick Leather Belt are my 'favorites'!
I'm so thankful for my loving husband who also happens to b an AWESOME top!
Jayden
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Spanking or DD???
Our lives recently have just been turned upside down. I hate that I don't have time to blog. When I do blog, it seems to be all over the place.
Part of me is wondering if I shouldn't advertise this as a DD blog, but rather just spanking. While we are new to & still actively working to incorporate DD into our marriage, it seems that most of my blogs are related to our kink rather than our domestic discipline.
I really enjoy the support in this community.
Like pretty much everything else in our lives right now, I'm really confused.
Amazing how spanking can provide such needed stress relief for both parties!
I have been taking anti-anxiety medications lately, even taking up the occasional alcoholic beverage. Of all the things prescribed to me, nothing has provided the relief that I got with a good stress relief spanking! It was very relaxing & calming for Jase as well. I'm so glad my 'TOP' enjoys this as much as I do. :-)
Oh, well all I can say is I'm thankful for our love for each other & our bag of implements! & whichever direction this blog goes, I'm glad we embraced this lifestyle. Right now it is the only thing in our lives that is a norm & a constant!
Part of me is wondering if I shouldn't advertise this as a DD blog, but rather just spanking. While we are new to & still actively working to incorporate DD into our marriage, it seems that most of my blogs are related to our kink rather than our domestic discipline.
I really enjoy the support in this community.
Like pretty much everything else in our lives right now, I'm really confused.
Amazing how spanking can provide such needed stress relief for both parties!
I have been taking anti-anxiety medications lately, even taking up the occasional alcoholic beverage. Of all the things prescribed to me, nothing has provided the relief that I got with a good stress relief spanking! It was very relaxing & calming for Jase as well. I'm so glad my 'TOP' enjoys this as much as I do. :-)
Oh, well all I can say is I'm thankful for our love for each other & our bag of implements! & whichever direction this blog goes, I'm glad we embraced this lifestyle. Right now it is the only thing in our lives that is a norm & a constant!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I'm so gonna get it!
It has been forever since I've last blogged or even been able to read blogs.
Life being even more chaotic than usual, is really kickin' my ass right now! End of the school year, exams, parties, awards, recitals, tournaments. All piled on top of the usual madness & mayhem that is the joy of having a large family!
As if we had time for anything else, I came down sick. I'm still not all the way well, but last weekend was particularly MISERABLE & terribly busy & stressful!
With all of the extra's (& of course, the usual lack of privacy) there is literally no time for a spanking of any sort... No maintenance, no stress relief, no erotic & no discipline.
No discipline should b good, right? Not the case here.
Last weekend with being sick & stressed with the weekends events & the strict schedule we had to adhere to, I was very...well... Umm...ok, I was a BITCH! Worse than that, I was a bitch on more than one occasion. (I know it is no excuse, but I was sick & cranky, & cold medicine tends to make me irritable & stress, of course puts anyone on edge.)
The real problem is that once I start, my mouth is like the Energizer Bunny, It just keeps going & going!
Cussing, yelling & just having a temper tantrum... 3 days in a row. (Groan) Once while I was having a fit, Jase warned me that I really needed to stop bc it was going to b dealt with. My response... "I don't even care right now! I don't care!" Ugh! Did I really say that? Like I said, my mouth...
Jase has been very diplomatic & loving. Being as I've been (& still am) sick. He's allowing me time to get well. But he's keeping a running tab!
I need to hurry & get well because @ the rate I'm going, he's gonna have to break this disciplinary action into @ least 2 sessions (sigh). :-/
Well, I know I've earned it (not proud of that) & I'm not looking forward to it.
I am however very appreciative of him waiting for me to get better. I'm also very glad that he is taking DD seriously & plans to address the infraction(s) rather than blowing it off.
I kinda think he enjoys holding it over my head right now. LoL! He makes sure to remind me that he hasn't forgotten...
I am SOOOOO Gonna Get It!!!
Life being even more chaotic than usual, is really kickin' my ass right now! End of the school year, exams, parties, awards, recitals, tournaments. All piled on top of the usual madness & mayhem that is the joy of having a large family!
As if we had time for anything else, I came down sick. I'm still not all the way well, but last weekend was particularly MISERABLE & terribly busy & stressful!
With all of the extra's (& of course, the usual lack of privacy) there is literally no time for a spanking of any sort... No maintenance, no stress relief, no erotic & no discipline.
No discipline should b good, right? Not the case here.
Last weekend with being sick & stressed with the weekends events & the strict schedule we had to adhere to, I was very...well... Umm...ok, I was a BITCH! Worse than that, I was a bitch on more than one occasion. (I know it is no excuse, but I was sick & cranky, & cold medicine tends to make me irritable & stress, of course puts anyone on edge.)
The real problem is that once I start, my mouth is like the Energizer Bunny, It just keeps going & going!
Cussing, yelling & just having a temper tantrum... 3 days in a row. (Groan) Once while I was having a fit, Jase warned me that I really needed to stop bc it was going to b dealt with. My response... "I don't even care right now! I don't care!" Ugh! Did I really say that? Like I said, my mouth...
Jase has been very diplomatic & loving. Being as I've been (& still am) sick. He's allowing me time to get well. But he's keeping a running tab!
I need to hurry & get well because @ the rate I'm going, he's gonna have to break this disciplinary action into @ least 2 sessions (sigh). :-/
Well, I know I've earned it (not proud of that) & I'm not looking forward to it.
I am however very appreciative of him waiting for me to get better. I'm also very glad that he is taking DD seriously & plans to address the infraction(s) rather than blowing it off.
I kinda think he enjoys holding it over my head right now. LoL! He makes sure to remind me that he hasn't forgotten...
I am SOOOOO Gonna Get It!!!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
An OTK Epiphany
You know those moments, where the light bulb comes on? That moment when something just Hits you? I recently had one of those moments while OTK.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
HaHa! She Called You SIR!
Jase & I went to lunch with his mom yesterday. We were just sitting there, eating, talking about 'vanilla' things.
When Jase asked the waitress for something, she responded with the usual "Yes, Sir." This is the norm. Considered to be good manners, nothing unusual about it. However, being that my mind seems to always be on D/s, DD, spanking, etc. (& that fact that I was deliriously exhausted from working all weekend & having not yet been to sleep following my last shift.) I found this kinda funny. I knew that Jase would know what I was referring to.
I giggled, leaned over & said "She called u SIR." He just looked @ me & grinned, a 'toppy' grin (which he has perfected rather quickly)!
A very innocent little 'inside joke' between the 2 of us, no further conversation required on the subject...So, I thought...
The Sex, The Spanking & The Orgasm
I got in from work that Saturday morning feeling like I was going to explode if there wasn't some release of that mounting sexual tension. As fate would have it, everyone was still sleeping. This allowed us some very rare & coveted private time.
We had recently received our order of 'quiet' implements from Cane-iac, but had only gotten to try them out briefly the day they arrived.
I am not good with anticipation, I don't like being caught off guard, I don't like fearing the unknown, I want to know what to expect... I want to know what I'm fearing!
That being the case, after experiencing intense oral & physical pleasure, I asked Jase if he would spank me. I wanted to know what to expect from these implements without the protection of jeans or even panties (I must be nuts). Plus, I figured it would help get my mind off of the impending (2nd) orgasm that I was trying to prolong for as long as possible.
We had recently received our order of 'quiet' implements from Cane-iac, but had only gotten to try them out briefly the day they arrived.
I am not good with anticipation, I don't like being caught off guard, I don't like fearing the unknown, I want to know what to expect... I want to know what I'm fearing!
That being the case, after experiencing intense oral & physical pleasure, I asked Jase if he would spank me. I wanted to know what to expect from these implements without the protection of jeans or even panties (I must be nuts). Plus, I figured it would help get my mind off of the impending (2nd) orgasm that I was trying to prolong for as long as possible.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
"Burning" Spanko Questions¿
On a lighter note, after a recent trip to WalMart, I have a few "burning" questions & I hope I'm not just some perverted little freak... Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a perverted little freak, but I hope I'm not alone...
Does anyone else get warm & tingly ALL OVER while standing on the kitchenware aisle @ WalMart/Target, etc.?
Am I the only one that wonders somewhat absent mindedly through the store looking @ various items & wondering how they would function as a spanking implement?
Am I the only person that seems to (after finally coming out the closet) associate EVERYTHING with spanking? Like for instance the term 'burning question', burning makes me think of spanking!
Just a few 'burning' questions!
;-)
Does anyone else get warm & tingly ALL OVER while standing on the kitchenware aisle @ WalMart/Target, etc.?
Am I the only one that wonders somewhat absent mindedly through the store looking @ various items & wondering how they would function as a spanking implement?
Am I the only person that seems to (after finally coming out the closet) associate EVERYTHING with spanking? Like for instance the term 'burning question', burning makes me think of spanking!
Just a few 'burning' questions!
;-)
Proper introduction
I wanted to properly introduce 'us' & For anyone that may have read my self psycho analysis blog, I wanted to clarify some thins. I felt like that blog to me made our relationship sound totally dysfunctional. Which is not the case. I mean we all have our degree of dysfunction, but we r not to the extreme.
Let me paint a more accurate picture of us:
Many of our friends/fmly think of us as the 'perfect' couple.
We were always the couple that ppl wanted to b like. Always joking, laughing & unbelievably mushy. Jase's whole focus has always been on me (& of course our kids). He has always spoiled me rotten.
(U see, my bratty attitude isn't all my fault. He helped make me rotten!) :-p
Let me paint a more accurate picture of us:
Many of our friends/fmly think of us as the 'perfect' couple.
We were always the couple that ppl wanted to b like. Always joking, laughing & unbelievably mushy. Jase's whole focus has always been on me (& of course our kids). He has always spoiled me rotten.
(U see, my bratty attitude isn't all my fault. He helped make me rotten!) :-p
Spanking Junkie
Do u ever look around & just wonder where the hidden camera is in your life? I do, all the time.
We are definitely finding that this lifestyle (meaning the DD relationship & the 'kink') is not one you can just jump right into. It seems like things are even more compounded & frustrating due to the additional adult residing in this house.
We are having to do everything (w/ regard to spanking) in such an 'unconventional' manner. We r having to begin with the 'quiet' implements. This means that we r trying to learn to do everything from warm up to discipline & everything in between w/ canes & other implements of the kind. Because of the severity of the implements we r having to use, we must b very careful & proceed with even more caution.
We are not new to 'spanking' but we are new to 'SPANKING'. Meaning: We have never ventured far beyond hand swats or a plexi glass paddle during minor role play (i miss that paddle :-p). I have yet to b pushed to my real limits...although I did have an amazing, mind blowing experience recently with D/s sex (different post, all together).
We are definitely finding that this lifestyle (meaning the DD relationship & the 'kink') is not one you can just jump right into. It seems like things are even more compounded & frustrating due to the additional adult residing in this house.
We are having to do everything (w/ regard to spanking) in such an 'unconventional' manner. We r having to begin with the 'quiet' implements. This means that we r trying to learn to do everything from warm up to discipline & everything in between w/ canes & other implements of the kind. Because of the severity of the implements we r having to use, we must b very careful & proceed with even more caution.
We are not new to 'spanking' but we are new to 'SPANKING'. Meaning: We have never ventured far beyond hand swats or a plexi glass paddle during minor role play (i miss that paddle :-p). I have yet to b pushed to my real limits...although I did have an amazing, mind blowing experience recently with D/s sex (different post, all together).
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
What I Want from a DD Relationship: How I explained it
This is the 2nd. entry that I wrote in my journal before I decided to blog. I don't know why, but for some reason I have a very hard time discussing certain things. I don't know why, but asking for discipline is very hard for me (to verbalize). Admitting to enjoying erotic spanking is difficult for me (to verbalize). For some reason even the word 'spank' seems to sound all distorted when it comes out of my mouth. It is also very, very hard for me to admit when I am wrong. I found that once I wrote my 'self psycho-analysis', I learned a lot about myself. We had started to discuss DD as well as our 'kink', but it was still somewhat uncomfortable for me. I was able to put on paper all the things that I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words. Then, I read them both to Jase. @ one point, I even began to cry, something that is really uncomfortable for me. I found that after I was able to actually read aloud to Jase all of the things that were very hard for me to verbalize, it was like an awakening. It is now so much easier for me to discuss. Once again, these were my private expressions to my husband, I hadn't planned to share. So, please excuse the fact that I am definitely NOT an English major!
My Self "Psycho Analysis"
I've decided to go ahead & post some of the things that I'd written in my journal before I decided to start a blog. I'm not very good @ writing, & I pretty much suck @ grammar, so it's nothing fabulous. This first journal entry that I titled "My self psycho-analysis" was my way of actually admitting to & accepting some of the more painful events in my life. Understanding how these events truly affected me & ultimately who I am or who I sometimes pretend to be. I realize that this first one especially, is rather long, but I felt it was a very important step in beginning a DD relationship. It really helped me & Jase understand a lot about me & why I feel that I/we need this relationship. By no means, am I an expert, since I/we are in the beginning stages & learning as we go. I've realized from responses that I've gotten that some people are particularly interested because we are just beginning. This was one of the biggest & hardest things for me to do, but I'm very glad I did. It is equally as hard for me to post this, because I am exposing the most vulnerable part myself. Things that are the most painful for me. Things that only my husband knows...
Please remember, when I wrote this, I never intended on sharing with anyone but Jase. Some of my thoughts are scattered and random, but this was me writing for me. It's all real! So, here goes...
Please remember, when I wrote this, I never intended on sharing with anyone but Jase. Some of my thoughts are scattered and random, but this was me writing for me. It's all real! So, here goes...
Saturday, April 7, 2012
WTH!?!?
OMG! I just spent 2 hours transferring part of a journal entry onto my blog. Unfortunately I'm having to do it from my cell phone. But, I got to a stopping point, hit "publish" & it's NOT here! WTH?! Great! I guess one day I'll get back around to re-doing it! Grrrr!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Busy, Busy
Here it is the weekend, AGAIN. So I'm back @ work. Waiting with anticipation to see what trauma's the local 'Gun & Knife show' has in store for us this weekend.
We've been so busy taking care of other important business, that we have had no time to discuss & work on anything else, much less blog about it.
:-( So, @ least we r getting through current trials together w/out being @ each others throats. That's a definite positive!
Maybe later tonight I'll have free time where I can write. I just always hesitate to do it from my phone. I'm a little worried that I'll get distracted (I've got major ADHD) & inadvertently text my blog to my kids teacher instead of posting it to the site! LoL! Unfortunately, {sigh} I have some of the best "blonde moments", so something like that could potentially happen to me!!!
We've been so busy taking care of other important business, that we have had no time to discuss & work on anything else, much less blog about it.
:-( So, @ least we r getting through current trials together w/out being @ each others throats. That's a definite positive!
Maybe later tonight I'll have free time where I can write. I just always hesitate to do it from my phone. I'm a little worried that I'll get distracted (I've got major ADHD) & inadvertently text my blog to my kids teacher instead of posting it to the site! LoL! Unfortunately, {sigh} I have some of the best "blonde moments", so something like that could potentially happen to me!!!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Working out the 'Spanking Kinks'
It amazes me that you can spend 20 years with someone, know every inch of their body, know what they are going to say before they say it, know all of their likes and dislikes (or so you think)... but still not truly know them!
It is just as amazing to me that you can feel so comfortable with someone, you can share your most intimate secrets with them, but still be afraid to admit certain things.
It seems that this is not uncommon, especially as it relates to discipline in a marriage.
I am an educated professional who is in a leadership position & has to be in charge and strong in the workplace. I am a grown woman, I am the person that others come to for advice, help or just an open ear. Yet I feel I need to be disciplined by my husband?!?! I need guidelines & consequences. I need to be reminded and reprimanded. I need the release of having been held accountable for my selfish and destructive actions. Recently having come to the above realizations I felt so alone! This isn't exactly something that you can discuss with your girlfriends over a margarita. How in the world was I going to bring this one up to my husband? What was he going to think of me? How was I going to discuss it... I can barely say "spank" without blushing... but honestly, our marriage & friendship were teetering on the edge with so much of it being because I'm a spoiled rotten brat with control issues. (ugh! That sounds bad! But I don't really know how else to put it.)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Blog...Blog...Blog
I've been trying to figure all this Blog stuff out. Apparently I'm much better @ lurking than blogging.
I decided to start blogging bc like so many, my husband & I have decided to incorporate domestic discipline into our marriage.
We are still in the beginning stages, so what better time to start blogging? I often find it easier to express my feelings in writing & @ least this way, I won't get writers cramp!
I have so much swimming around in my head, so much that I want to say.
Since deciding to make this change in our lives I have already learned so much about myself & Jase (my husband). I'm very excited about the positive changes that are already taking place in our lives! But, after trying to figure out how to navigate a blog (without inadvertently sending a mass e-mail to the home town PTA announcing my new 'lifestyle'), it is late & I'm exhausted. So, I am going to go to bed now & maybe tomorrow I'll be better equipped to understand the world of Blog & then I can start journaling all of this stuff that is crammed in my head!!!
I decided to start blogging bc like so many, my husband & I have decided to incorporate domestic discipline into our marriage.
We are still in the beginning stages, so what better time to start blogging? I often find it easier to express my feelings in writing & @ least this way, I won't get writers cramp!
I have so much swimming around in my head, so much that I want to say.
Since deciding to make this change in our lives I have already learned so much about myself & Jase (my husband). I'm very excited about the positive changes that are already taking place in our lives! But, after trying to figure out how to navigate a blog (without inadvertently sending a mass e-mail to the home town PTA announcing my new 'lifestyle'), it is late & I'm exhausted. So, I am going to go to bed now & maybe tomorrow I'll be better equipped to understand the world of Blog & then I can start journaling all of this stuff that is crammed in my head!!!
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