Thursday, March 22, 2012

Working out the 'Spanking Kinks'

It amazes me that you can spend 20 years with someone, know every inch of their body, know what they are going to say before they say it, know all of their likes and dislikes (or so you think)... but still not truly know them! 

It is just as amazing to me that you can feel so comfortable with someone, you can share your most intimate secrets with them, but still be afraid to admit certain things.
It seems that this is not uncommon, especially as it relates to discipline in a marriage. 

I am an educated professional who is in a leadership position & has to be in charge and strong in the workplace. I am a grown woman, I am the person that others come to for advice, help or just an open ear.  Yet I feel I need to be disciplined by my husband?!?!  I need guidelines & consequences.  I need to be reminded and reprimanded.  I need the release of having been held accountable for my selfish and destructive actions. Recently having come to the above realizations I felt so alone! This isn't exactly something that you can discuss with your girlfriends over a margarita.  How in the world was I going to bring this one up to my husband? What was he going to think of me? How was I going to discuss it... I can barely say "spank" without blushing... but honestly, our marriage & friendship were teetering on the edge with so much of it being because I'm a spoiled rotten brat with control issues. (ugh! That sounds bad! But I don't really know how else to put it.)

I started searching the internet & came across 3 sites that have really helped us begin this transition. I have never so much as commented on any of these blogs, yet I feel like they are my 'friends'. They have no idea how reading their blogs have taken away those feelings of uncertainty & loneliness & I am very appreciative for their openness and honesty.  These blogs are Learning DDCome Play with Me & Finding Sara

I finally mustered up the courage to begin introducing the concept of discipline to Jase.  I started by introducing him to Spanking Erotica by Sarah Thorne. Her writing is great! I figured if he didn't have a problem with the idea of spanking, etc. then we could move forward.(We have always enjoyed a little erotic spanking.  But we've never been involved in any REAL spanking). He was more than accepting. So, I sent him links to Finding Sara & finally to Clint over @ Learning DD.  This last one was a pretty drastic step.  I mean Clint goes into a lot of detail about discipline spanking. Hmmm...I realized just what that would mean for me... could I really give up that much control? Spanked to tears? WoW! I try my hardest never to cry.  But, I trust Jase, & I know that he loves me and would never truly hurt me, so I am willing to give myself over to him. 

Relief to learn that Jase thinks discipline is a good idea. A little shocked to learn that he has previously thought about discipline in our marriage, especially during some of my infamous bratty Jayden tantrums! 

So, here we are still working on the 'agreement'. We've both been learning and accepting a lot about ourselves and each other.  I am finally able to admit just how wicked I can be (admitting that I am wrong is the HARDEST thing for me to do).   

This has been a little confusing because depending on where you go and what you read, there are varying opinions with regard to DD & erotic spanking. Some don't believe that people who 'enjoy' spanking can have a true DD relationship.  I feel almost like I'm in a 12 step program... 'Hi! I'm Jayden & I'm a spanko...but I'm a total brat that needs true discipline!' (From my husband only. If anyone ever reads this... I don't need or want random offers!) 
Obviously changing a lifestyle is not something that can happen over night. I am able to see positive changes in myself and Jase already.  Just being able to admit to specific wants and needs is such a relief. Now, we have to work out the kinks w/ regard to separating the erotic & just because spanking from the discipline spanking. 

I truly believe that there is a difference in discipline spanking and spanking for other purposes.  Honestly, the idea of discipline scares the hell out of me... especially when I realize just how frequently I do and say things without thinking.  I'm a little nervous that I'm gonna be in 'trouble' quite a bit @ first.  I don't want to upset my husband to the point that he feels he needs to administer a discipline spanking.  But, if I anger, disappoint or hurt him to that point, then by all means, I want the punishment (because I need to associate consequence with negative behavior).  I'm also really nervous about how I will handle a discipline spanking.  Obviously, the severity & circumstance is completely different. Not to mention, I'm afraid of exactly how much it will take to get me to the point of 'catharsis' or release.  I've got myself so conditioned NOT to cry, I'm scared of what this is going to mean for me... I think Jase said it best when he said "you are worried that your physical is going to give out before your mental".   Damn me for being such a strong willed person!!! 

The next 'spanking kink'  we are working to overcome are the 6 kids and the additional family member residing in the not nearly spacious enough house! We literally have someone in the house with us 24/7.  I've been researching 'quiet' spanking implements. Yikes! seems that the ones that produce the least amount of noise on contact are also the ones that are the most severe... 


  1. GREAT start, and thanks so much for the shout-out! I used to write a DD blog, but, well, we kinda put it on the back burner for now.

    It IS scary to be faced with it, because with discipline, you get it even when you DON'T want it!! You may not be in ANY mood to be touched by hubby, much less have him take control!!! And it makes you so much more vulnerable, altho with that vulnerability comes great intimacy!

    I plan to follow your blog, and welcome to the blogging community!


    1. Thank u so much, Sarah! We have really enjoyed reading your stories as well as your blog! I know that this is going to b a great challenge, & difficult on may levels. I am very much looking forward to all of the positives that will come from a DD marriage! Thank you for all of your support (especially before u even knew you were supporting me/us)! LoL!

  2. Welcome to blogland!!! I only have a minute, but wanted to say hi and also to let you know that a non-punishment spanking helps to relieve stress. It took me a long time to cry, but it happens way more frequently if my husband talks/lectures beforehand. There's a joke between us that he needs to "use your words". Good luck in your new journey together!!

    1. Thank u. I'm learning about the 'stress relief' aspect of spanking! It's almost addictive!

  3. Welcome to blogging Jayden! Sarah sent us over. I can relate to bunches of things you say in this post and it'll be fun to get to know you a bit thru your blog. I hope you find it to be a fun and helpful process...this emptying of the head. It's a real nice community and you'll find lots of support.

    1. Im already seeing what a supportive 'community' this is. I'm excited to interact with & gain insight from everyone.
      Thank u! :-)

  4. Welcome to the blogosphere! Looking forward to hearing about your journey!

  5. When I read your profile, I thought "Jayden and I must be evil twins separated at birth." Lol.
    I had no idea there was a name for this lifestyle until a few months ago, when I came across a blog by accident. Were you as stunned as I at the number of blogs? As I started reading them, I noticed that couples in dd relationships have a lot of kids; so, I don't know why I was surprised to read you have 6.
    I really enjoyed reading this post and I'm so happy I don't have to read 2 years worth to catch up.


    1. Thank u, Kiki!
      I really was surprised @ how many people there r are in this community. I was also quite relieved to learn that this is really more common than we think! As far as the kids go, haha! I actually get that quite a bit (usually bc people think I look like a kid myself. 12 - 18 is the age range I usually hear. LoL.) Mostly people are surprised that all of our kids are 'OURS'. People frequently ask "do your kids all have the same father?" LoL! I see a lot of similarities in myself & a lot of the blogs that I've read. I like that I can identify with other people so easily!

  6. Hi there, we have been through this over the last two months... oh, who am I kidding - we are still there! We started with a written contract of consensual slavery (sexual), diverted into DD for a while (causing me to start a whole separate blog) and are currently at spank me please, even if you have to make up a reason. The contract expires in one month (they say you should keep the first one short and I couldn't agree more) and we are now settling on a way to keep going.

    Turns out I am a spanko. Who knew?

    Anyway, having said all that, just thought you would like to know that you are not alone! I will be watching your story with interest and pulling for you.

    (PS - Yes, our quietest implement hurts the most, but I still like the hand the best.)


  7. The things I am learning, accepting, admitting about myself since 'coming out' (LoL) is shocking! I look forward to reading more on your blog also!
    Thanks for the support & encouragement!

  8. Welcome to the world of blogging. You will find what works for both of you, it will take a little time...maybe more than a little. You have all ready taken the most difficult first step! abby

  9. Hi, Jayden!!! Love your going to be following your journey with interest, because you have voiced what I also felt in the early days!

    Have a safe word...yes, even for use in discipline - you sound like me, and if so, would be too stubborn to use it frivolously. But, at the beginning, especially, you are learning each others boundaries and your partner needs to get to know your pain threshold. If he is disciplining you, and goes beyond what you can take, using the safe word is essential. As with my hubby, when I use it during a discipline, he IMMEDIATELY stops, and holds me close. When I have calmed, we discuss why I used it. If he still feels further spanking is necessary, he may defer "part 2" to a later time, or resume if I agree.

    Good luck! xxx

    1. @ Abby, Thank you for the support. I really appreciate what a supportive community this is. Everyone has been so encouraging!

      @ Daisychain, Thank you for the advice. Honestly, it hadn't occurred to me to have a safe word for discipline. You are definitely right, that is something that we are going to have to do. I'm so excited to keep meeting and learning from others in our 'community'.