Obviously, I am on a path to self discovery & I feel, Jase that you are too. I know my 'beginning' was rather long, but it helped me realize and readily admit those things to myself & to you, my best friend. It is so scary for me to take these steps, but it's what I have to do & it's what I want to do. I hope you feel the same.
Obviously, we both enjoy erotic spanking & want to 'experiment' more with that. I've never really been able to be 100% open about just how strong my need/desire for spanking was for fear of you thinking I was a little freak. Little did I know that you were not being 100% honest about your desire to spank me, for fear that I would think you were a 'total perv'. (& For the record, I love the fact that you are a total perv & that you appreciate the fact that I am a little freak...)
I also want for us to have a true domestic discipline relationship. I will try to explain everything that is in my mind and give rationale along with it. Now, I have to attempt to find a good starting point...
I want for you to be the HOH. I want for us to communicate and discuss things as partners w/ you having the final say so. This is not meant for all of the decisions to lie solely on your shoulders, but rather after discussion, if we can't agree, your decision is final.
Yes, we must set rules/guidelines, but from what I've read & understand, it is best to begin w/ the core values and build from there: Respect, Honesty, health & safety, listening & communication.
Now, comes the hardest part for me to admit to...
I know that there will be playful, erotic spanking, sometimes what may begin as you being slightly annoyed by me may turn into a sexual experience.
OK, let me try to clarify yet again ~I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it~
W/ regard to "rules", I don't think our relationship needs to be "you broke rule #23..." but rather, if I have said or done something to upset you, I will accept consequences. ~But, you must communicate to me what I've said/done & why it upset you~ You can't just clam up & be cold, this type of relationship requires a lot of trust, communication & respect.
The part that is the absolute hardest for me to admit to (I don't know why) is this next part...(deep breath)...
This type of relationship means that we BOTH stick to our agreement. What I/we have learned about myself/us is this:
- I hate when you refuse to talk to me
- I hate the guilt I feel of having said or done things to hurt you (sometimes these things are intentional & sometimes not).
- I hate that you will hold a grudge & hold against me things that I have said & done. We both feel increased stress & tension when this happens.
- I hate that instead of communicating anytime we disagree, you say "Fuck it! You are gonna do what you want no matter what I say!"
- I hate the smart ass & insulting comments & the statements like "Yeah, right." when I try to tell you how I feel.
- I've also learned that although I Hate doing it, I really do need to cry. I just hate letting go of myself like that, it really scares me!
- Finally, Physical pain, provides an outlet for those much needed but dreaded tears. (Why is it so hard for me to admit this?)
- Is this something that you really want?
- Can you agree to let go & not hold grudges?
- Can you console me after the fact?
- If I resist, can you stand your ground?
- If I cry & plead with you to stop... Can you continue until YOU are satisfied with the 'results'?