What I Want from a DD Relationship: How I explained it

This is the 2nd. entry that I wrote in my journal before I decided to blog.  I don't know why, but for some reason I have a very hard time discussing certain things.  I don't know why, but asking for discipline is very hard for me (to verbalize).  Admitting to enjoying erotic spanking is difficult for me (to verbalize).  For some reason even the word 'spank' seems to sound all distorted when it comes out of my mouth.  It is also very, very hard for me to admit when I am wrong.  I found that once I wrote my 'self psycho-analysis', I learned a lot about myself.  We had started to discuss DD as well as our 'kink', but it was still somewhat uncomfortable for me.  I was able to put on paper all the things that I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words.  Then, I read them both to Jase.  @ one point, I even began to cry, something that is really uncomfortable for me.  I found that after I was able to actually read aloud to Jase  all of the things that were very hard for me to verbalize, it was like an awakening.  It is now so much easier for me to discuss.  Once again, these were my private expressions to my husband, I hadn't planned to share.  So, please excuse the fact that I am definitely NOT an English major!  



Obviously, I am on a path to self discovery & I feel, Jase that you are too.  I know my 'beginning' was rather long, but it helped me realize and readily admit those things to myself & to you, my best friend.  It is so scary for me to take these steps, but it's what I have to do & it's what I want to do.  I hope you feel the same.

Obviously, we both enjoy erotic spanking & want to 'experiment' more with that.  I've never really been able to be 100% open about just how strong my need/desire for spanking was for fear of you thinking I was a little freak.  Little did I know that you were not being 100% honest about your desire to spank me, for fear that I would think you were a 'total perv'.  (& For the record, I love the fact that you are a total perv & that you appreciate the fact that I am a little freak...)

I also want for us to have a true domestic discipline relationship.  I will try to explain everything that is in my mind and give rationale along with it.  Now, I have to attempt to find a good starting point...

I want for you to be the HOH.  I want for us to communicate and discuss things as partners w/ you having the final say so.  This is not meant for all of the decisions to lie solely on your shoulders, but rather after discussion, if we can't agree, your decision is final.

Yes, we must set rules/guidelines, but from what I've read & understand, it is best to begin w/ the core values and build from there:  Respect, Honesty, health & safety, listening & communication.

Now, comes the hardest part for me to admit to...
I know that there will be playful, erotic spanking, sometimes what may begin as you being slightly annoyed by me may turn into a sexual experience.

OK, let me try to clarify yet again ~I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it~

W/ regard to "rules",  I don't think our relationship needs to be "you broke rule #23..." but rather, if I have said or done something to upset you, I will accept consequences.  ~But, you must communicate to me what I've said/done & why it upset you~  You can't just clam up & be cold, this type of relationship requires a lot of trust, communication & respect.

The part that is the absolute hardest for me to admit to (I don't know why) is this next part...(deep breath)...
This type of relationship means that we BOTH stick to our agreement.  What I/we have learned about myself/us is this:

• I hate when you refuse to talk to me
• I hate the guilt I feel of having said or done things to hurt you (sometimes these things are intentional & sometimes not).
• I hate that you will hold a grudge & hold against me things that I have said & done.  We both feel increased stress & tension when this happens.
• I hate that instead of communicating anytime we disagree, you say "Fuck it! You are gonna do what you want no matter what I say!"
• I hate the smart ass & insulting comments & the statements like "Yeah, right." when I try to tell you how I feel.
• I've also learned that although I Hate doing it, I really do need to cry.  I just hate letting go of myself like that, it really scares me!
• Finally, Physical pain, provides an outlet for those much needed but dreaded tears. (Why is it so hard for me to admit this?)

When I have done something to hurt or anger you, I would much rather a physical punishment rather than the feeling of 'abandonment' that I experience when you are cold toward me.  I beat myself up mentally when I've upset you, so it is very stressful for me because I don't know how to apologize or when you'll forgive me.   It's just a horrible feeling.

I've also learned that you have a need to release your anger/frustration (for lack of better wording), this will provide an emotional release for you as well.

~Gosh, how do I word this~

There is a HUGE difference in erotic spanking, stress relief spanking & DISCIPLINE spanking.  What I am trying to say is that I am willing to be truly disciplined by you.  I trust you to communicate to me what I've said/done to upset you.  I agree that (so scary saying this) length & severity is @ your discretion.  I agree that no matter what I say or do, whether I ask you to stop or not, you will decide when the punishment is over. {Note: I'm not implying ignoring the use of a 'safe word' if used for legitimate reasons.} 

Because I am 'submitting' to you, I will accept whatever punishment you deem necessary.  Even if it's "corner time"- although I truly HATE that idea...But I suppose if I like it then it wouldn't be 'punishment'. (HaHa, I think I've always hated it.  My mom used to tell me that when I was little, she would put me in the corner & no matter what she would do, I wouldn't stay there.  I didn't care, I would get right out of the corner & walk away. LoL! I guess some things never change!!)

I realize that in a discipline situation, you will be upset with me (though I truly hope that we never have issues this bad again) & that I will probably cry, plead, beg (grrr... hard for me just admitting this).

I know that this release will be good for both of us.  You will be in control & able to punish me @ your discretion & I will not carry with me guilt day in & day out.  We will be able to put behind us (no pun intended) whatever the problem, & start fresh.

I am putting all of my trust in you...

I don't like my body, but I am agreeing to submit to you in a most vulnerable, humbling & humiliating state.

I don't like to cry or seem weak, but I am agreeing to accept whatever I am given.  Knowing that I will most likely be reduced to pleading & ultimately tears. 

Most of all, I know that you will be angry with me for whatever I've done, but I trust you whole hearted not to hurt me or should I say not to injure me. (LoL)

Now, What I need from you:

If you are serious about this type of relationship, I need for you to NOT back down.  Don't say "your gonna do what you want" if we argue or disagree.

If or should I say when the time comes for true 'discipline', we will both be angry (I'm sure).  It is imperative that you stand your ground.  I know @ a point like this, I will probably (especially the 1st. time) be very mouthy (because you know, unfortunately that's just me.  Never know when to shut up!) & reluctant to give up my 'perceived' control of the situation.  It is important that you don't give in to any resistance I may offer.  I swear, I will try not to.  But I know me when I'm mad & that is one of the many things I have to learn to control.

In fact, (I'm a big fucking idiot for saying this, but...) resistance, arguments & stalling should be grounds for added discipline (I'm scaring myself).

I need for you to communicate with me.  Explain to me why you are upset with me.

What I need most of all, is to know that you love me.  Discipline should be resolution for both of us.  Whatever the issue, needs to be over with the punishment (unless, the problem/behavior is repeated in the future... Hope I'm not THAT stupid!) This should relieve both of us.  So there should be no more anger or hard feelings.  We should not hold anything against each other.  It should be like 'wiping the slate'. 

I'm sure when the time comes, we will find that this is way different from what we imagine, but I am willing to accept that.

I love you with all my heart.  I am handing myself over to you completely, in a most vulnerable way.  I trust that what you do is out of love.

I'm absolutely terrified of a real 'discipline spanking' but @ the same time, I feel like I more than deserve it for all of the terrible things I've said & done to you over the years. (But please... I definitely couldn't handle 20 years worth of my attitude given back to my ass @ one time...just a little mercy?)

As far as the rest of the time, your the boss.  Spank me for sexual reasons, spank me because I annoyed you or spank me 'just because.'

I trust you & I love you.  Just promise me that your anger or disappointment with me ends with the punishment.  

Now, the real question(s)...

• Is this something that you really want?
• Can you agree to let go & not hold grudges?
• Can you console me after the fact?

Most importantly (because I know that you don't want to hurt me & you have never forced anything on me)

• If I resist, can you stand your ground?
• If I cry & plead with you to stop... Can you continue until YOU are satisfied with the 'results'?

This is all so hard for me.  Gradually, I'm learning to let go & be honest with myself & you!  I know that I need this, WE need this.

I love you!!!

So, there it is. (Hopefully that'll be the last really long one.)  That's how I expressed my feelings.  It worked for me & I feel a lot more @ ease discussing things.  He assures me that he "definitely won't have a problem with discipline."  His confident tone & the expression on his face when he assures me of this is a little bit scary.  

One final thought...

I know that there is a degree of controversy & I myself wondered if it was truly possible for a 'spanko' to be in a relationship where spanking was used as a disciplinary action.  Without ever receiving (as of yet) a discipline spanking, I'm gonna say "yes, it is absolutely possible."  

The idea & experience of a hard as hell erotic spanking sends a warm tingly sensation throughout my body. I get so hot & wet I can feel the pulsating from deep within my body.  The excitement & endorphins make it so much easier to handle the pain.  But, the idea of being spanked because I have hurt/disappointed/upset Jase is terrifying.  The idea of the Physical pain compounded with the emotional pain of knowing that my behavior or disrespect for my husband is what will have put me in that situation.  The thought of enduring that kind of pain when I'm already emotionally fragile & when there  are no endorphins (those wonderful little natural pain killers)... WoW! I managed to take myself from warm & tingly to 'I better make sure I stay on my best behavior' in 1 paragraph.  So, while that is an entirely separate blog post, Yes, it is possible to discipline a spanko!!!