I really wish that I could say this particular blog post was about spanking. I wish that I would be writing this blog with a throbbing between my legs & a sore bottom while reliving in my mind the intimacy of a recent erotic spanking. Or experiencing the light hearted, emotionally fulfilled feeling of a stress release spanking. Right now, I would be happy being able to blog about any kind of spanking. Unfortunately, I can't. I have to write this post for myself. Because I don't feel that the things I need to talk about will be well received by Jase, & I understand why, I just have to get what I'm feeling out somehow, I need the relief of feeling that I've been heard & understood. Even if I am the only person that ever reads this blog entry, I have to feel that I have put all of my feelings out there so that I'm not holding everything in. This is the only way I know to do that...
I'm having a really rough time lately. The short version (& it's still really long),is that my relationship w/ my m-i-l has always been strained & over the last approximately 6 years, there was no contact between her & our family. Within the past year, we have worked to mend the broken relationship. I wanted Jase to have a relationship with his mother & I wanted our kids to have a grandmother (my mom has passed). I wasn't expecting any sort of relationship mending between the 2 of us. She painted me out to be a monster a long time ago & even God himself couldn't have changed her mind. It seemed she enjoyed engaging in gossip about me with her other daughter-in-law (my sister-in-law, the narcissistic, sociopath that thrives on creating turmoil). The 2 of them together have been a source of turmoil in my life for nearly 10 years. It didn't matter how far fetched something was, if it included me being the bad guy, my mother-in-law indulged in the BS. Clearly, I gave up on ever having that relationship a long time ago. No worries, I was ok with standing back & allowing Jase & the kids to have a relationship w/ her that did not include me. She soon found out just how evil my sister-in-law really is & now realizes that I was the one that was telling the truth all these years, that she had misjudged me & how wrong she's been. We've worked to successfully build a new relationship. I've tried to just let the past go & be glad that the truth has finally come out.
Jase has always been the proverbial black sheep in his family. His perfectly spineless brother was always the favored one. Yet Jase (& myself @ times) have always been the "go to people" (minus the years we didn't speak). It was Jase that she always called on for help. Even though I always knew how much she disliked me, we would always be right there, ready, willing & able. (Jase & I enjoy helping people & we try to help anyone we can, especially family without expecting anything in return.)
That being said, she has a lot of major stuff going on that we have been working to help her with. Including allowing her to stay with us. Unfortunately, our sacrifices have been great & have impacted our entire family. I, Myself have suffered irreparable emotional 'damage' from something that happened to me in the process of helping her.
So, begins my dilemma...
This event that I speak of **does NOT involve physical or sexual harm or assault NOR does it involve cheating of any kind**it does however affect me daily & it has caused a reemergence of suppressed emotions, years of anger & frustration over our past relationship. I often think "Why am I going thru this for HER?" etc...Then I feel guilty when she expresses how much she appreciates my understanding & forgiveness & my setting aside the past to help her now.
I don't feel like I'm understanding or forgiving. I've just been trying to do what I felt was best for my husband & our children.
She's been away for a few weeks, which is a good thing, I/we needed the break. (I was totally hoping to be able to get a lot of spanking in while she was gone. Oh, well).
Like I said earlier, some things have had a very deep, negative impact on me.
The way that I deal with emotional distress is to throw myself into work.
I am strong, confident, knowledgeable & I'm a damn good Nurse! I work great under pressure (That's why I LOVE Trauma surgery!) in the most high pressure situation, I look @ it as a personal challenge & I win! The more intense the situation & the more people I'm leading, the more cool, calm & collected I am. @ work, I am in charge, I make the decisions & I make things happen.
It's a good feeling, being confident in your decision making & being sure of yourself... I wish I were that self confident & secure all the time, in all aspects of my life, especially right now!
I've worked every day now for about 3 straight weeks. For the most part, Successfully avoiding having to deal with the negative impact of my emotional trauma.
Unfortunately, she will be coming back in about 2 weeks & she will be coming back to stay with us again. I'm not looking forward to this. In fact, I don't want it @ all. I'm obviously still emotionally damaged, angry, confused & now I'm absolutely exhausted.
I feel terrible, & I try to hold my feelings in. I don't feel like I can emotionally handle being in the same household with a constant reminder of what has hurt me so deeply & literally scarred me for life.
How can I live with the person that, (though not intentional) caused this to happen? I don't think I can & I don't think It's fair that I should have to...
Discussing this with Jase is a terribly difficult task. I've tried desperately to hide my feelings & emotions, but then I'm left with festering, bottled up anger.
I don't want to fight with him.
I feel like he tries, but doesn't truly understand my feelings. I mean, how could he? After all, while he was definitely affected by what happened, he did not actually live it as I did. Nightmares, broken sleep & depression are not a part of his daily routine as they are now a part of mine. I feel that I literally lost a part of myself & I can't get that back. I can't change what happened & I can't forget, no matter how I try, this memory, the fear, anxiety, etc. are now a permanent part of my life!
I just feel like I can't convey these things to him in the appropriate way. I feel like every time I try, I only succeed @ making him angry. Now, this may just be my insecurity, but that is how I feel. I don't feel that we actually converse about the situation. More like I talk & he waits for me to shut up.
It feels like there is a distance between us that hasn't been there since we decided on a Dd/Ds relationship & I hate feeling distant from him.
I don't know, Maybe this is my fault? I know it's not his.
Obviously, we don't agree on this issue @ hand & it's a very tough situation. I just don't know if this time I can go along with him, being the HoH having the final say.
I don't feel that I can emotionally handle having her there as a daily reminder of what I'm already struggling to deal with.
Although, asking Jase to protect me & do what I feel is best for me is essentially asking him to leave his mother homeless. Which, I feel terrible for, I don't want that, I don't want to ask him to choose between his wife & his mother. But @ the same time, I don't feel it's fair to ask me to sacrifice more than I already have. I've given up so much of myself already & I just don't think I can do it.
For this I feel selfish. It also breaks my heart, because I don't think the outcome would be in my best interest, I really don't think he understands the serious impact this event has had on me, thus Leaving me to feel even more alone.
With this distance that I feel I also feel a loss of safety & security. Which brings me to my final problem...
I am clearly in what I perceive as "self preservation" mode. Which means that I am locked up tighter than Fort Knox & I've built a wall around myself. Whether it's true or not, I feel like I'm dealing with my emotional trauma alone. All of this is making it very difficult for me to be submissive. With submissiveness comes a certain degree of vulnerability & I don't know that I can handle being any more vulnerable than I already am @ the moment. I miss him, I miss him terribly. I miss our closeness, I miss the safe & secure feeling of being in his arms, I miss talking to him & feeling understood, I miss the certainty that he would do anything to protect me. I miss holding onto him & taking in the smell of his cologne, I miss falling asleep with my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart beat, I miss making love to him & I miss spanking... The erotic spanking, the maintenance, the stress release...I miss the closeness that only partners in the spanking world know. We have argued some, not too much & we are not physically separated (though it sounds like it) I just feel very emotionally separated.
I know I could really benefit from a spanking right now, but I just don't know if I can relinquish myself right now. I just don't feel that I can give total control of myself over when I feel (again, maybe just my perception) that right now I am the only one looking out for me, the only one who truly understands what I'm going thru & how much I've been affected.
I sure hope that all of these emotions go away soon. I really can't stand this, I want my life back. I want our life back!
@ least (for now) I feel a little better getting it all off my chest.
Jayden
